Riight, right. Like I'm supposed to believe that.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Would you swear to keep it?
I'm going to end up doing this, over and over again. It's going to get worse and worse, but no one will no. <s>Ahem, that's a lie because usually Darwin reads this and actually responds, but you know there's a chance he won't as well. lol</s> So unless I decide to tag people or title it as something hilarious, kinky, or both, then no one will really notice and it'll pass -whoosh- under the radar. Not that I necessarily want that, but it gives you a better circumstance for who's bothering to look and read it. There's also the terrible chance that once I vent everything out and try to hit submit it won't work and everything will just disappear; that seems to happen a lot. D;
<s>>>>>I'm such a masochist
I want to feel heartwrenchingly torn apart, like emotionally, then physically. I don't know I want to be dramatically in love that actually matters and that is 'generally good'. I don't know how to explain it, but the sad part of being in love. The part that makes your insides are being torn apart, the part that makes you want to cry, the part that no one sane should enjoy. It's so stupid though, because I don't really think that anyone who's "in love" is really in love. Does anyone even know what love is? Do I even know what love is? I doubt it, but I don't have the right ideals about love either. I guess I do, and I have my opinions, preferences, etc.etc. Everyone does, am I right? I don't know it's just those stupid things that are bothering me that pop up in my head, that there's other people who. Ugh, I don't know, everything is weird, and the word love is in this paragraph too much and it's somewhat sickening.</s>
>Accents are so sexy.[The good ones are anyway.]
I get this feeling that I don't exist anymore, that I'm just this miserable, empty corpse. It's kind of like feeling like I don't have a soul, and feeling like no one cares that I don't either. <s>Y'know, in the kind of way where it feels like NO ONE NOTICES.</s> I'd love to help but I don't know anything because I don't really talk to anyone anymore, because no one really talks to me anymore and I just want to cry and throw up and do all those stupid mopey sad things where then you're supposed to have an intervention from 'friends' and they go all "AWW, YOU POOR THING. COME ON LET'S GET YOU DRESSED AND OUT ON THE TOWN. OR LET'S SIT, EAT ICE CREAM AND WALLOW TOGETHER. And you know cliche but occasionally oddly comforting things.
>>>I'm such a hypocrite for talking about how I doubt that many people will read, hell even see this because I don't even bother to read/check other people's'. That's a lie, I kind of do, sometimes, rarely, I try. I hardly really go on Facebook because there's so much to do, but not really, and it's just another way I waste my time, but really I don't need it because apparently I can waste my time doing anything, even when there's nothing, just because I have absolutely no drive to do anything, but I do. <s>But, oh geez I want to throw up, and crumple into a ball and practically die.</s>
>>>>I do this so much, I'm not surprised that no one answers.
It doesn't mean, I stop hoping that someone would, I'd love to sit down and have a real 'heart-to-heart' and mope and weep and talk and everything. I guess that's the point of therapists and whatnot but I have issues with that word. The rapist. So yeah, why the freak do I want to throw up so badly right now anyway? It's terrible, like I feel like I really want/need to throw up. Of course I won't, and of course I'll be back in school tomorrow doing the same damn thing I have to do every damn day because that's how everything always is. Always.
>No wonder I don't eat lunch, madre doesn't eat dinner like so many times because "I had a really big lunch."
I actually think about what I want to write, what I want to angst to the world and complain about. I usually think about it in cars and buses or on the walk home from the bus stop. By the time I get around to actually typing it out though I always feel like I'm missing this big chunk of what I wanted to type so it's like. I could've sworn there was something else. It's always the same things I think of, sometimes it's more one than the other sometimes I figure out the details to them and so-on and so-forth. I keep trying to hug people to feel compensation for being sad but it's not like I walk around hugging people. It's just kind of one or two people. But no one really reacts, and right now I want to bawl my eyes out terribly, and I keep mixing up write and right, because I'm thinking right but I keep typing write at first so I have to backspace and retype it as right.
>>>>No one seems to understand what I mean when I say that I miss them.
I very literally miss them, I don't see them ever. I don't know what they're like now, we don't talk which I continuously talk about anyway and it's always the same problems. Even the people I see, I don't talk to them, and they don't talk to me. Everyone seems to have made tons of friends in the classes they have even just aquaintance-y people so that they have gone from being people who know each other existed but by being in the same class they've become friendly and people who can say hi or wave in passing, etc. I haven't. I haven't really made any new friends. If anything I've lost friends who up to like the middle of the school year I was becoming better friends with, then it climaxes and dies. <slash>Kinda like sex, there's all that 'fabulous foreplay' to make sure that both people are ready for it. And it goes in, milk comes out, and then it's over and you're sleeping like it never happened. [Well, sure it happened, that's why you're tired now. Duh.]</slash>
I break things to easily, I don't know why, or how. It just happens, I don't mean to, but does anyone ever mean to? Would someone actually admit to it? I doubt it.
Jeez, I'm getting longwinded but then you can look at any other random list of complaints and once again, it's the same thing I just feel better getting out certain thoughts and hoping that people actually notice, care, or pay attention. Once again, no they really don't. I suppose I'll copy what I'm writing on Facebook to Deviantart and possibly to my website as well, yeah. Did I mention that I was using freewebs again? Unfortunately or fortunately not as often as I'd planned to, -coughnotoftenatall-
>>I want to hug someone and feel like I'm not just reaching for straws.
I don't even understand that sentiment, I think it's more of grasping at air, and reaching out for something that's not there or is too far away to get to. Whereas straws are a tangible item and can be within reach?
Did I mention how stupid I am in comparison to some of my other friends. I realize I'm quote-betterthanaverage-unquote academically, but it doesn't change anything. It doesn't change all my friends taking pre-calc next year and everything. It doesn't change that now along with feeling like throwing up that I think there should be a fabulously shiny knife sticking out or into my ribs. [Sorry, if that's too gory for you Darwin. D; If you're reading this that is.] It's just that "Can't stop this feeling" type of moment, and on Friday I'll be off to Washington D.C. for the band trip, until Monday. I really should be doing so many other things but the lower half of my body is currently freezing along with my arms as well actually.
I think I sound narcissistic and stupid, but I can't help it. Everytime I say or think that I sound narcissistic I think that that's narcissistic so no matter what on the matters of narcissism I can't win against myself. BUT THAT SOUNDS NARCISSISTIC TOO. Like, I'm too good to be beaten, but it's actually I'm not good enough to beat me. >wO;
...All those clubs and things I'm in from my last journal, go look at the journal I wrote last time to know what they are.
Jolly
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=indiephotographyclub =Apophysis
Yeah, I'm learning, or was learning Italian in school.
But school's out for the summer, whooo!
Gosh I'd feel so cool to know all languages.
Aww.
Oh, how cool! The school I'm going to only has French and Spanish, but my next school has a bunch of different ones. Although I think I'll probably continue with French.
I know! Languages are just so...well, cool.
Hopefully it'll be done soon, though...
--
Would you like some Ood? It is quite tasty pan-fried with awesomesauce. c:
Gareth David-Lloyd wants to make his Mum and Auntie proud. :3
The Doctor.
Janto.
That's cool, mmmblaaahr.
I'm so bored, and I dunno adsdmfsc. >wO;
Yep...
Hehe...I know what you mean :3
--
Would you like some Ood? It is quite tasty pan-fried with awesomesauce. c:
Gareth David-Lloyd wants to make his Mum and Auntie proud. :3
The Doctor.
Janto.
--
I stalk Dino Cavallone at teh ~bishie-stalker-club
PROUD MEMBER OF ~GokuderaFanClub and ~Yamamoto-Club
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